How Failure Changed My Life For The Better

I failed to achieve everything I dreamed of. It lead me to the best years of my life (so far)

45-Day Writing Challenge on Medium | Day 2

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Moving back to my small hometown felt like the inevitable culmination of a decade of wrong decisions.

I was leaving. My long-term estranged partner was frantically fighting to keep me around. My closest friend, who had my best intentions in mind, sincerely believed I was making a huge mistake.

$0 in my bank account. Disapproval by those around me.

But I was confidently going against the grain because I had finally reached a point of acceptance.

I failed. And I was perfectly okay with that.

After graduating high school, I had a short but ambitious checklist of goals I was aiming for:

• Enroll in the National Art Academy to study printmaking and art education. ✅
• Graduate and find a job in my field of study. ✅
• Move in with my partner and establish our dream home (the millennial fantasy dream). ✅

Almost a decade later, everything had crumbled.

💼🚫 My job applications for education work got turned down. I resorted to working in completely unrelated industries to make ends meet;

🎓❌ I pursued a Master’s degree in Graphic Design but had to drop out at the very last moment;

💍🔥 My engagement crumbled. Instead, I ended up with another partner who was definitely the wrong choice.

Even writing this down gives me flashbacks of crippling embarrassment and self-deprication. I blamed myself for failing at everything. I felt like I missed out on great opportunities that would never come back and I was riding the highway to a miserable rest of my life.

Everyone knows that famous quote about insanity, which is often attributed to Albert Einstein (but allegedly is not originally his saying):

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

So when in the middle of The Plague of 2020 I made the decision to quit my low paying dead-end job and move back home it felt like the major reset I desperately needed.

And darn if it wasn’t my Saturn return talking or I picked up some other signal from outer space but I realized there’s no point in trying to achieve these goals anymore. I failed. It’s fine. The Earth keeps spinning, the Sun rises and sets. And it’s fine.

Once acceptance settled in, a number of amazing things happened. Here is what scared me so much about my failure — and how it lead to the best phase of my life:

1. My anxiety about falling behind in life and frantically chasing goals slowly got less and less until it went away. I am on my own journey. It looks different from others and had a lot of setbacks, but I’m still moving forward, at my own pace. 🦋
2. Moving back to a small town from the big city felt like I’m leaving civilization. But thanks to the Internet we are so well connected these days that I barely felt the difference. Plus you rarely get stuck in traffic, which is a bonus. 😄
3. I had just enough money to make the move and thought a small city salary would never meet my needs beyond the basics. 3 years later I’ve got more savings in my bank account than I’ve ever had. 💸
4. After a couple of painful relationships I thought I’d never find a compatible partner, especially not in a place with a smaller dating pool. Contrary to those fears I met a person who feels like my first real healthy, happy, mature relationship. 💑
5. What felt like a journey towards certain doom turned out to be a new chapter in a much more fulfilling, secure and balanced existence. 🌟

Perhaps the story of my failures is somewhat embarrassing. Perhaps someone would read it shaking their head “How stupid of her to fail so many times” or “She’s just coping”. But years ago I prayed for a simple, secure life without constant stress and anxiety. All I had to do was accept that I failed in order to move on.

I hope whoever reads this leaves with a feeling of calm.
Life is tumultuous, unpredictable, painful, wonderful and so, so short.

I hope you feel inspired to forgive yourself for your mistakes.
I hope you stop punishing yourself for how you handled hardships in the past.
I hope you offer your past self the kindness and forgiveness they needed when they struggled and failed.

And I hope your future self will look back at present you with the same humility and gratitude.